Hey y’all! Addressing Valentines Day was not on my agenda when I woke up this morning. The ATS Bellerina Czars are camped out here while their mommy sees some clients and I’ve got to leave for a speaking engagement this evening. It’s not that I haven’t been thinking about the potential for a Valentines Day disaster, and what I could do to help y’all avert it– a certain commercial has been troubling me for days now. I just couldn’t seem to find the time to stop and chat with y’all about it. Until, THE EMAIL, the one that crossed my desk this morning, the one that warranted my hitting the brakes.
Belles, make sure your Bubbas see this.
Bubbas, please pay close attention.
I’m here to help you avoid the land mines other people (evil people) have placed strategically before your well-meaning hearts. Let us begin with a certain commercial. Perhaps you’ve seen it. In it, women (gorgeous women who appear to have enough sense to pour water out of a boot with the directions on the heel) are all going ga-ga with delight when presented with life-size teddy bears from their Sweet Thangs. How can I say this? THEY ARE ACTRESSES. Money has changed hands to create this impression of good will. To be fair, it is possible that your darling is holding onto hope that you’re going to give her a six-foot stuffed animal, but the chances are slim, my friend. Slim, I say. I wouldn’t chance it unless she has given you a clue, some sort of freight train subtle hint like, “Darling, please give me a six-foot tall teddy bear for Valentines Day. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
I think it is criminal for companies to take advantage of y’all during times like this when you know you should do something but you don’t know what that something should be. One of my readers mentioned to me that her ex (hold onto that thought– her ex) once gave her shiny new side mirrors for his truck on their first Valentine’s Day, so I realize that y’all can be easily swayed when time is short and you are desperate. And that brings me to THE EMAIL I received earlier. I know it’s only hours away but should the following offer fall in your inbox Just Say No!
Word is The Bronx Zoo has 58,000 Madagascar hissing roaches, many of whom aren’t named. (Tragic, isn’t it?!) For a $10 donation, you can name one for your sweetie and send her a certificate of honor about her very special friend. This is wrong on so many levels that I was almost at a loss as to what to say to y’all, but seeing as that has never stopped me before, and because I care about my readers, I want you to know that gifting your little love bug with her own namesake roach could end the strongest of romances.
There are other traps out there, guys, but I felt like these were the most explosive. I’ll see you on the other side. Good luck and Happy Valentines Day!