Hello folks, let’s chat…Has anyone seen Bubba? He went “off the grid”— his words— as soon as the whole spy thing started. The last time I saw the boy I was trying to tell him there was nothing to worry about but he kept shushing me and pointing to the dishwasher.
“What now?” I asked.
Bubba motioned to me to follow him out to the dock. Once there, he whispered that the government could be listening to us through a chip in the dishwasher.
“Right,” I said. “And there are Navy Seals under the dock.”
Bubba went quiet as a church mouse. “You don’t think?” he said. “No, I told him, you don’t think—but that’s old news. I’m going back inside where it’s cool.”
By the way, y’all, breathe. This isn’t going to be a political column. I should’ve said that up front in case I’m being monitored—by my husband. Phil’s been telling me for a long time that I need to be more careful about my little funnies lest we find a Black Hawk helicopter landing on our front yard, which by now we all know is silly, right? I mean, a drone could take us out a lot easier and a whole lot cleaner.
But seriously, folks, I hope y’all are paying attention out there. You can learn a lot from these congressional hearings. For instance, I recently twittered the following about my favorite box of natural light neutral brown hair color. Quote, “I’m not saying Miss Clairol is lying but the claim of 100% and long lasting coverage may not be fully compatible with the truth as I have experienced it.” See, it’s not that hard.
In closing I just want to remind y’all that this was not a political column, unless it was, in which case I learned of it at the same time you did and I’m going to look into it immediately. Rest assured. If it is a political column I’ll put new rules in place so I don’t do it again. How’s that, husband? Husband? Uh, oh. Has anyone seen Phil?