Sleeping with the Enemy

Hello folks, let’s chat…My friend Tanya started it. She posted a news story on Facebook about a New Orleans woman who tried putting a bullet through a flying cockroach that was trespassing in her living room. The article said the woman’s aim failed so she was compelled to burn her house down instead. I was all over that story before I realized it was satire. Someone was just funnin’. Color me gullible, but I was feeling girlfriend’s pain. My aversion to roaches is matched only by my hatred of spiders. And snakes. I hate snakes.

Every year around this time people post pictures on Facebook of headless snakes who scared the beejesus out of the wrong person. And then they ask, “What kind of snake was this?” all innocent like — when they’ve got to know they’re stirring up a fight between those who identify good snakes as dead snakes and well, everybody else.

Snake people have tried converting me, but it ain’t happening. Even the Good Lord said snakes and I would be at odds. Course, He said my foot would crush their heads and I prefer a sharp hoe but I’m hoping He’ll let me pass on the technicality. It’s not like He doesn’t have a sense of humor. Exhibit A:

The morning after I read Tanya’s little funny I found a hairy legged spider in my bed, beside my pillow.

Yes, he was dead but that’s beside the point, people. I’m gonna need y’all to focus. At some point, he was in my bed alive. I posted a picture of his dead self on Facebook and soon learned more than I cared to know, like how we eat around 8 spiders apiece during our lifetime, mostly when we’re asleep. I needed to lie down when I heard that, I just wasn’t sure where.

Some of my more understanding friends suggested we move. My man felt that was an over-reaction but he did say he was glad I didn’t discover the thing in the middle of the night while all its legs were still kicking. I don’t know, something about friendly fire…