All Things Southern Holiday Travel Advisory and or Alert

Hello folks, let’s chat… Just a few days ago, while some of us were getting ready to slay the Turkey and others were camping out in anticipation of Black Friday, a combination of both Straight Running Crazy and Nekkid News appeared and disappeared on the national radar.

It happened in the Boston airport where the occupant of a ladies’ restroom was surprised by the sudden appearance of a nekkid man who fell through the ceiling and into the stall. Without so much as a “Pardon me, is this seat taken?” Nekkid Man ran out the door and assaulted an elderly fellow before the police could arrive to restrain him.

What with everybody making plans to go to grandma’s house for Christmas, I thought you should know, but let’s all remain calm. There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation, like he was in a hurry to get through security, that sort of thing. Or, he may have been part of a flash mob. What? Oh, okay, never mind that. The thing is, there’s no indication that this is anything more than an isolated incident, but because I have your collective back, I convened a select group of family and friends to come up with a plan should something of this nature happen to you and yours.

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What we have here is the first annual All Things Southern Holiday Travel Advisory and or Alert– and quite possibly the last. In no particular order of helpfulness, here are their suggestions.

Should a Nekkid Person suddenly appear while you are in transit, Mama says you should “Remind him that he is going to catch his death cold.” I don’t know.

Bubba says, well, I can’t tell y’all what Bubba said. Mama would have my hide.

I can give you Paulette’s suggestion. Paulette says, whatever you do, maintain eye contact.

Yeah, you’re welcome. Y’all be safe out there and Merry Christmas!

Hugs, Shellie

I’ve Been Afraid of This

Hello folks, let’s chat…Week in and week out I do my dead level best to try and keep y’all entertained, informed, inspired– and protected. Towards that end, I’m here today with a SRC medical alert.

Longtime listeners will remember that SRC is the acronym I created for Straight Running Crazy, a condition whereby one is no longer detouring from more lucid positions, hence they’ve gone straight running crazy. New listeners can read more about this dangerous condition in my humor books and join our SRC foundation on Facebook. But, I must move on, research has come in to support what I’ve suspected for quite some time. Apparently, stupid really is contagious.

Scientists at John Hopkins Medical School and the University of Nebraska contend that they’ve discovered a virus that makes you stupid. They say it challenges the brain’s thinking functions, affecting spatial awareness and visual processing. And get this, they tested volunteers and found a high percentage of ‘em had the stupid virus lying dormant in their throats.

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I’d love to know how they selected these volunteers and how they broke the news to the poor souls who flunked out. There’s only so much you can do with that good news/bad news trick.

Don’t freak out on me, y’all, but this explains a lot of what we’re seeing on the evening news. Exhibit A, ripped straight from the headlines: A giant solar plant in California that received a government-backed $1.6-billion dollar loan has gone belly up. So, what are they doing? Applying for a government grant — to help pay off their government loan. Somebody’s not covering their mouths when they cough.

Lookahere, I have some hair-dos in the eighties that would suggest I’ve carried this virus a couple of times myself, but that’s beside the perm. I mean the point. We need to raise awareness and fast. Our struggling job market can’t take another hit. If news gets out, this could be yet another blow to work productivity. I can hear it now. “Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today. I’m feeling stupid.”

Are y’all with me? Let us race for the cure.

The Gift that Keeps On Giving

It can be great fun to prank your BFF but there are things you should know.

You could come home from a road trip to find plastic bugs hidden around your house to take years off of your life span because that revenge minded BFF has gained entry to your home. And you may think your dearly beloved Dixie Belle had a doggie accident in your bedroom while you were away when it’s really a mound of disgusting plastic. And you may live on edge in your own home wondering where the next plastic roach and/or spider could be lurking.

Yes, all of these things have recently befallen me, and more.

I ran into my BFF’s mother and she apologized for her daughter’s behavior before asking innocently, “So, did you ever find the bat?”

Bat? We were interrupted by another friend, but I left our unfinished conversation thinking surely she was joking. Surely there wasn’t a bat in my house. Wrong, Shirley. After spending a week on full alert for the little guy, wondering if he was dead, alive, or plastic, I sort of relaxed. Silly me. Days later I reached my bedroom early enough to read instead of falling in bed comatose like that old-fashioned Nestea plunge, only to be startled by a nasty fake bat hiding under my lamp shade.

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Indeed, I had zero problem staying awake to read.

Have I found everything she planted? Who knows? Just yesterday, I discovered Pedro the Panty Python in my lingerie drawer, complete with an introductory name tag tied around his neck. This particular prank seems to be the gift that keeps on giving, and not in a good way.

On the other hand, that very line moves me to a great celebration.

Would you join me in praising the unparalleled present God offered the whole world on an old rugged cross? Far from being hidden or obscured, His only begotten Son was lifted high for all to see.

Jesus rescues us and then He rewards us for simply embracing that redemption. In every single way, He really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Hugs,Shellie