Where’s the Off Button?

Fred and Evelyn Knaff have been entertaining their grandchildren for the past week, Connie’s boys—that would be the five year old triplets! Yes, those boys are a handful for anyone, anytime, but Connie’s pregnant again and her husband, Ron has just been called up to Iraq. Connie’s nerves have not been very good, lately. She’s not due ‘til the middle of January but she’s been having a lot of trouble. Mrs. Evelyn said that Connie’s doctor laid down the law when she went in for her last checkup. He told her that if she didn’t get off her feet for a few days and get some rest, he was going to put her in the hospital. When Connie chose house arrest, the Knaffs flew up to New York and picked the little yard younguns up at the airport.

I saw Mrs. Knaff at the bank earlier and she was full of grandchildren stories. “Where are they now?” I asked.

“With their granddaddy, thank the Lord!” Mrs. Knaff said with a laugh. “You wouldn’t believe Fred, Shellie. He’s got the patience of Job with those boys. Nothing like he was when we were raising ours. Yesterday he took ‘em out to Old Man Henry’s farm to see the animals. Henry was milking that old cow of his when they got there. The only place they’d ever seen milk was in the grocery store, so that was pretty funny.”

“I bet,” I said. “What’d they think?”

Mrs. Knaff grinned. “Well,” she said. “Fred said they all three watched the milking with big old eyes and then Clay, I think it was, or was it Jay— oh, mercy…I can’t remember now. Out of the three, one of ‘em looked at Henry and said, “I think I see how you get it started, Papaw, but how do you make it stop?”

Hugs, Shellie

Savannah’s Perspective on Nerve Problems

Here’s an oldie but goodie from our official porch mascot, little Ms. Savannah Grace, who happens to be all grown up these days. This story hearkens a few years back to Savannah’s elementary school years.

Julia had picked Savannah Grace and her brother up from school that afternoon. She’d had a difficult day at the office and she was hoping they could go straight home. Wrong— both kids needed school supplies for a science project. Back uptown they went. It was worse than Julia imagined. Savannah was in a cross mood. She couldn’t get satisfied with any of her supplies and she was so irritable with her brother that he couldn’t look at her without it starting a fight. Finally, on the way home, Julia got enough. She trained the rear-view mirror on the offenders in the backseat and read ‘em the riot act.

“Okay, you two,” Julia said. “I’ve heard enough. If y’all can’t get along I’m gonna make y’all hold hands at the table while I cook supper.”

“Gross,” Savannah said, aloud.

“And especially you, Ms. Savannah,” Julia warned. “You’ve been rude to your brother all afternoon. I don’t like the attitude you came home with and I suggest you change it. I’ve had a long day at the office and my nerves are fried.”

“Yes, ma’am,” the kids said together. Everyone rode in silence for a few moments and then Savannah’s voice piped up again.

‘What, Savannah?”

“Never mind…you’ll get mad if I ask you.”
“No, I won’t, Savannah, what is it?”

“Are you sure you won’t get mad?” Savannah asked.
“Yes, Savannah. Come out with it.”

“Well,” Savannah began. “I was just wondering..”
“Are you sure you won’t get mad?”

“I’m sure, Savannah. If you have a question, just ask it.”
“All right then,” Savannah said. “I was just wondering, what’s the difference between my bad attitude and your worn out nerves?”

Hugs, Shellie

Life is Grand

Hey folks! Today’s southern chuckle comes to us compliments of my friend John at the Good Clean Funnies List, that’s . Do yourself a favor and check it out. You can subscribe and get a nice clean free joke delivered to your email box every single morning.  Oh, and did I mention it would be clean? Yeah, that’s my favorite part.

By the way, if you have a favorite joke or family story you’d like me to share with the All Things Southern community, feel free to drop me an email. That’s and I do so love to hear from y’all. We now return you to our regularly scheduled funny.

I’ll be honest with y’all. I love this story but I’ve been somewhat undecided about sharing it with y’all because it’s from the “Kids Say the Darndest Things” file. I realize we’ve done a good many of those in the last couple of weeks and I didn’t want to overdo it. On the other hand, I really did chuckle aloud when I read it, and that made it too irresistible to keep to myself. If you’ve ever been a grandchild or had a grandchild, I think you’ll like this one. The way I see it, that’s bound to cover most of my audience. I know. I’m such a heavy thinker.

The lady who wrote into GCFL with this funny reports that one fine day she was out bicycling with her eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, when she got a little wistful.”Carolyn,” she said, “in ten years you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”

The little girl shrugged and responded with wisdom that was hard to refute. “Yes’m,” she said, “But in ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”
Hugs, Shellie