I called All Things Southern’s Roving Reporter for an update on that Mississippi thing. Okay, Emily Gatlin isn’t really a reporter, but she does live in Tupelo so she’s playing one for this segment. I need the FBI agents in the unmarked cars parked across the street from her house guarding the Senator’s family to know that I begged Emily for this inside scoop. (Poor girl, she’s like me. She can get into trouble without trying.) But, I’m getting ahead of the story.
I hope you’ve been keeping up with the War between the Elvis Wannabe and the Karate Kid and the poisonous ricen letters mailed to President Obama, a Mississippi judge, and a United States senator—I can’t make this stuff up! We have us a feud, a talkative ex-wife, and political intrigue galore.
To summarize, the Elvis Wannabe was the first suspect arrested in this case of national interest, but authorities couldn’t find enough evidence to hold him. What’s more, he had support from people like his ex-wife who testified that he was “too dumb to make the deadly weapon without blowing up the entire state.” You have to appreciate that kind of loyalty.
Authorities have now arrested Elvis’ arch enemy, the Karate Kid. They suspect the Karate Kid actually mailed the poison and framed the Elvis Wannabe to take the fall. Did I mention the Karate Kid is a Mensa member and Elvis once claimed to be? I’m sure Mensa is as proud as the residents of Tupelo.
Our Roving Reporter tells me the townspeople were already shamefaced about April’s drive-by elephant shooting that took place in their fair city. They’d hoped that embarrassing incident might be tied to this ricen thing so the whole mess could be put behind them before their big ElvisFest next month. It’s not looking good.
By the way, I wanted to speak to our Elvis Wannabe for this story but word is he has left the building for NYC to pitch a book deal, possibly in the company of his defense attorney who is now his sweetheart. And you thought there wouldn’t be a happy ending!